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Understanding Attraction: What is it?
A lot of men believe that a woman's attraction means their willingness to sleep with you – it's not. Thinking like this can be harmful to your dating life. I'm here to bust this myth and explain what I believe is basic human attraction.
What is attraction?
At the core, attraction is what draws one object towards another. If we are attracted to something it means we are intrigued by it. As men we confuse attraction and sex all the time. A woman can be attracted to a man and NOT want to sleep with him.
There are in essence two major subcategories of attraction:
Sexual Attraction and Value
1. Exploring Sexual Attraction
When it comes to sexual attraction most social psychologists believe the following:
"Much of human sexual attractiveness is governed by physical attractiveness. This involves the impact one's appearance has on the senses, especially in the beginning of a relationship:
Visual perception (how the other looks and acts);
Olfaction (how the other smells, naturally or artificially; the wrong smell may be repellent);
Audition (how the others voice and/or movements sound)."
I think they have it right to an extent. Visual perception or looks have more to do with how you are dressed, groomed and carry yourself than if you look like a statue of a Greek god. Women always say you should just be yourself. But it's about being you're BEST self that matters.
Saying "be yourself" to a guy who doesn't shower and wears unflattering clothes won't get him anywhere. Visually you want to portray that you take care of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself then how can you take care of the women in your life?
Another point about sexual attraction is the ability to escalate sexual encounters. A man touches a woman in a way that makes her feel sexy and comfortable is seen as having high sexual attraction. This does NOT mean that you start off grabbing and groping her! It means that it's generally the man's job to escalate and make the first move — not the woman's.
2. Exploring Value in Relation to Attraction
The second part of attraction is value. Value is the relative worth that you put on something. In terms of attraction, it's how much importance the girl places on you. In the beginning stages of speaking to a girl, you won't have much significance because she doesn't know you. As you begin to have fun, create emotions of laughter, joy, and happiness, your value begins to rise.
It‘s essential to recognize what value is in attraction and how to display great characteristics of your personality. Women weigh different things when judging a man's value. Some of these include:
Does he have leadership qualities? Is he able to display a range of emotions? Is he disciplined in his life? Can he protect people that are important to him? How does he make me feel? Is he fun? Is he social? Is he important? Is he confident?
These are just some of the characteristics of what women tend to look after in a man. Some are more important than others depending on the individual. Although every woman is different there are remarkable similarities that bind them together. We call these similarities "value triggers." They are something a man conveys consciously or unconsciously to a woman that he is of value.
For example, say a man is talking to a women he just met and he tells a story about the time he went to Canada for a huge skiing trip he put together with his friends. He tells about the adventures they had, seeing the beauty of the mountains, and how exciting it was. In this example the man is expressing many things about who he is. Can you see what value triggers he is conveying?
A woman's emotion also plays a huge role into her attraction levels and how she values you. To put it in the simplest terms, emotions are the fuel that pumps the overall attraction. If you display value triggers but they don't stir her emotions, then she will likely dismiss you. Learn to change her mood and not her mind guys. If you can make her feel positive and happy, you will be on the first step to making a real connection.
When a man has both sexual attraction and value in a woman's eyes then these things equal the overall attraction she feels for him. The amount of attraction a man needs to build a connection with the woman depends on how much she values herself. If he seems too good for her, then she will feel he is unattainable. If he has lots of value but little to no sexual attraction, he ends up in the dreaded "friend zone."
My ending note is that attraction is something you embody over the course of time, rather than something you "do." Once you are aware of what attraction is then you can start building connections with women and stop "gaming" them. You can start talking about similarities, life goals, passions and things that are important to you. These exchanges of commonalities are where connections are formed and you go from being a player to a person.
http://www.nsscoaching.com/blog/understanding-attraction-what/
About the Author
Mayson is the co-founder of New Social Systems, a company that specializes in dating, building self confidence and personality development. He works with people from all walks of life teaching them the tools to self confidence and lasting change.
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